Barnaby in exile



Barnaby sits in his cage, waiting for Sally to come into the 
lab. 
     She will give him the puzzle, the same one he worked on 
yesterday. But today he will not disappoint her. He has been 
thinking about the puzzle all night. Thinking is fun. Today he 
will do it right, and she will laugh and tell him how smart he is. 
He will lay on his back and she will tickle his stomach, and say, 
"Oh, what a bright young fellow you are, Barnaby!" Then Barnaby 
will make a funny face and turn a somersault. 
     Barnaby is me. 
                             # 
     It gets lonely after Sally leaves. Bud comes when it is black 
and cleans my cage, but he never talks. Sometimes he forgets and 
leaves the light on. Then I try to talk to Roger and his family, 
but they are just rabbits and cannot make the signs. I don't think 
they are very smart, anyway. 
     Every night when Bud comes in I sit up and smile at him. I 
always make the sign for "Hello", but he doesn't answer. 
Sometimes I think Bud isn't any smarter than Roger. He just pats 
me on the head. Sometimes he leaves the pictures on after he 
leaves. 
     My favorite pictures are Fred and Barney. Everything is so 
bright and fast. Many times I ask Sally to bring Dino to the lab 
so that I can play with him, but she never does. I like Barney, 
because he is not as big or loud as Fred, and I am not big or loud 
either. Also, my name is Barnaby and that is like Barney. 
Sometimes, when it is black and I am all alone, I imagine that I 
am Barney, and that I don't sleep in a cage at all. 
                             # 
     This day it was white out, and Sally even had white on her 
when she came to the lab, but it all turned to water. 
     Today we had a new toy. It looks like the thing on Doctor's 
desk, with lots of little things that look like flat grapes. 
Sally told me that she would show me something and then I should 
touch the grape that had the same picture on it. She showed me a 
shoe, and a ball, and an egg, and a star, and a square. 
     I did the egg and the ball wrong, but tomorrow I will do them 
right. I think more every day. Like Sally says I am a very bright 
young fellow. 
                             # 
     We have spent many days with the new toy, and now I can speak 
to Sally with it, just by touching the right grapes. 
     She will come into the lab and say, "How are you this 
morning, Barnaby?", and I will touch the grapes that say, "Barnaby 
is fine" or "Barnaby is hungry". 
     What I really want to say is "Barnaby is lonely" but there is 
no grape for "lonely". 
                             # 
     Today I touch the grapes that say "Barnaby wants out". 
     "Out of your cage?" she asks. 
     "Out there," I sign. "Out in the white." 
     "You would not like it." 
     "I do not like the black when I am alone," I sign. "I will 
like the white." 
     "It is very cold," she says, "and you are not used to it." 
     "The white is very pretty," I say. "Barnaby wants out." 
     "The last time I let you out you hurt Roger," she reminds me. 
     "I just wanted to touch him," I say. 
     "You do not know your own strength," she says. "Roger is just 
a rabbit, and you hurt him." 
     "I will be gentle this time," I say. 
     "I thought you didn't like Roger," she says. 
     "I don't like Roger," I say. "I like touching." 
     She reaches into the cage and tickles my belly and scratches 
my back and I feel better, but then she stops. 
     "It is time for your lesson," she says. 
     "If I do it right, can you bring me something to touch?" I 
ask. 
     "What kind of thing?" she says. 
     I think for a moment. "Another Barnaby," I say. 
     She looks sad, and doesn't answer. 
                             # 
     One day Sally brings me a book filled with pictures. I smell 
it and taste it. Finally I figure out that she wants me to look at 
it. 
     There are all kinds of animals in it. I see one that looks 
like Roger, but it is brown and Roger is white. And there is a 
kitten, like I see through the window. And a dog, like Doctor 
sometimes brings to the lab. But there is no Dino. 
     Then I see a picture of a boy. His hair is shorter than 
Sally's, and not as gray as Doctor's, or as yellow as Bud's. But 
he is smiling, and I know he must have many things to touch. 
                             # 
     When Sally comes back the next morning, I have lots of 
questions about the pictures. But before I can ask her, she asks 
me. 
     "What is this?" she says, holding up a picture. 
     "Roger," I say. 
     "No," she says. "Roger is a name. What is this animal 
called?" 
     I try to remember. "Rabbit," I say at last. 
     "Very good, Barnaby," she says. "And what is this?" 
     "Kitten," I say. 
     We got through the whole book. 
     "Where is Barnaby?" I ask. 
     "Barnaby is an ape," she says. "There is no picture of an ape 
in the book." 
     I wonder if there are any other Barnabys in the world, and if 
they are lonely too. 
                             # 
     Later I ask, "Do I have a father and a mother?" 
     "Of course you do," says Sally. "Everything has a father and 
a mother." 
     "Where are they?" I ask. 
     "Your father is dead," says Sally. "Your mother is in a zoo 
far away from here." 
     "Barnaby wants to see his mother," I say. 
     "I'm afraid not, Barnaby." 
     "Why?" 
     "She wouldn't know you. She has forgotten you, just as you 
have forgotten her." 
     "If I could see her, I would say 'I'm Barnaby', and then 
she would know me." 
     Sally shakes her head. "She wouldn't understand. You are very 
special; she is not. She can't sign, and she can't use a 
computer." 
     "Does she have any other Barnabys?" I ask. 
     "I don't know," says Sally. "I suppose so." 
     "How does she speak to them?" 
     "She doesn't." 
     I think about this for a long time. 
     Finally I say, "But she touches them." 
     "Yes, she touches them," says Sally. 
     "They must be very happy," I say. 
                             # 
     Today I will find out more about being Barnaby. 
     "Good morning," says Sally when she comes into the lab. "How 
are you today, Barnaby?" 
     "What is a zoo?" I ask. 
     "A zoo is a place where animals live," says Sally. 
     "Can I see a zoo through the window?" 
     "No. It is very far away." 
     I think about my next question for a long time.  "Are 
Barnabys animals?" 
     "Yes." 
     "Are Sallys animals?" 
     "In a way, yes." 
     "Does Sally's mother live in a zoo?" 
     Sally laughs. "No," she says. 
     "Does she live in a cage?" 
     "No," says Sally. 
     I think for awhile. 
     "Sally's mother is dead," I say. 
     "No, she is alive." 
     I get very upset, because I do not know how to ask why 
Sally's mother is different from Barnaby's mother, and the harder 
I try the worse I do it, and Sally cannot understand me. Finally I 
start hitting the floor with my fist. Roger and his family all 
jump, and Doctor opens the door. Sally gives me a little toy that 
squeeks when I hit it, and very soon I forget to be mad and start 
playing with the toy. Sally says something to Doctor, and he 
smiles and leaves. 
     "Do you want to ask anything else before we begin our 
lesson?" asks Sally. 
     "Why?" I ask. 
     "Why what?" 
     "Why is Barnaby an ape and Sally a man?" 
     "Because that is the way God made us," she says. 
     I start getting very excited, because I think I am very close 
to learning more about Barnabys. 
     "Who is God?" I ask. 
     She tries to answer, but I do not understand again. 
                             # 
     When it gets black and I am all alone except for Roger and 
his family, and Bud has already cleaned my cage, I sit and think 
about God. Thinking can be very interesting. 
     If he made Sally and he made me, why didn't he make me as 
smart as Sally? Why can she talk, and do things with her hands 
that I can't do? 
     It is very confusing. I decide that I must meet God and ask 
him why he does these things, and why he forgot that even Barnabys 
like to be touched. 
                             # 
     As soon as Sally comes into the lab, I ask her, "Where does 
God live?" 
     "In heaven." 
     "Is heaven far away?" 
     "Yes." 
     "Farther than a zoo?" I ask. 
     "Much farther." 
     "Does God ever come to the lab?" 
     She laughs. "No. Why?" 
     "I have many questions to ask him." 
     "Perhaps I can answer some of them," she says. 
     "Why am I alone?" 
     "Because you are very special," says Sally. 
     "If I was not special, would I be with other Barnabys?" 
     "Yes." 
     "I have never hurt God," I say. "Why has God made me 
special?" 
                             *   *   * 
     The next morning I ask her to tell me about the other 
Barnabys. 
     "Barnaby is just a name," explains Sally. "There are other 
apes, but I don't know if any of them are named Barnaby." 
     "What is a name?" 
     "A name is what makes you different from everything else." 
     "If my name was Fred or Dino, could I be like everyone else?" 
I ask. 
     "No," she says. "You are special. You are Barnaby the Bonobo. 
You are very famous." 
     "What is famous?" 
     "Many people know who you are." 
     "What are People?" I ask. 
     "Men and women." 
     "Are there more than you and Doctor and Bud?" 
     "Yes." 
     Then it is time for my lessons, but I do them very badly, 
because I am still thinking about a world that has more People in 
it than Sally and Doctor and Bud. I am so busy wondering who lets 
them out of their cages when the dark goes away, that I forget all 
about God and don't think about him any more for many days. 
                             # 
     I hear Sally talking to Doctor, but I do not understand what 
they are saying. 
     Doctor keeps repeating that we don't have any more fun, and 
Sally keeps saying that Barnaby is special, and then they both say 
a lot of things I can't understand. 
     When they are through, and Doctor leaves, I ask Sally why we 
can't have fun any more. 
     "Fun?" she repeats. "What do you mean?" 
     "Doctor says there will be no more fun." 
     She stares at me for a long time. "You understood what he 
said?" 
     "Why can't we have any fun?" I repeat. 
     "Fund," she says. "The word was _fund_. It means something 
different." 
     "Then Barnaby and Sally can still have fun?" I ask. 
     "Of course we can." 
     I lay on my back and sign to her. "Tickle me." 
     She reaches into the cage and tickles me, but I see water in 
her eyes. Human People make water in their eyes when they are 
unhappy. I pretend to bite her hand and then race around my cage 
like I did when I was a baby, but this time it doesn't make her 
laugh. 
                             # 
     I hear voices coming from behind the door. It is Sally and 
Doctor again. 
     "Well, we can't put him in a zoo," says Doctor. "If he starts 
signing to the spectators, they'd have a million people demanding 
his freedom by the end of the month, and then what would happen? 
What would become of him? Can you picture the poor bastard in a 
circus?" 
     "We can't destroy him just because he's too bright," says 
Sally. 
     "Who will take him? _You_?" says Doctor. "He's only eight 
now. What happens when he becomes sexually mature, when he is a 
surly adult male? It's not that far away. He could rip you apart 
in seconds." 
     "He won't -- not Barnaby." 
     "Will your landlord let you keep him? Are you willing to 
sacrifice the next twenty years of your life caring for him?" 
     "We might get renewed funding as early as this fall," says 
Sally. 
     "Be realistic," says Doctor. "It'll be years, if ever. This 
program is being duplicated at half a dozen labs around the 
country, and some of them are much farther along. Barnaby's not 
the only ape that has learned to use articles and adjectives, you 
know. There's a 25-year-old gorilla, and three other Bonobo chimps 
that are well into their teens. There's no reason to believe that 
anyone will restore our funding." 
     "But he's _different_," says Sally. "He asks abstract 
questions." 
     "I know, I know...once he asked you who God was. But I 
studied the tape, and you mentioned God first. If you mention 
Michael Jordan and he asks who that is, it doesn't mean that he's 
developed an abiding interest in basketball." 
     "Can I at least talk to the committee? Show them videotapes 
of him?" 
     "They know what a chimpanzee looks like," says Doctor. 
     "But they don't know what one _thinks_ like," says Sally. 
"Perhaps this will help to convince them..." 
     "It's not a matter of convincing them," says Doctor. "The 
funds have dried up. Every program is hurting these days." 
     "Please..." 
     "All right," says Doctor. "I'll set up a meeting. But it 
won't do any good." 
     I hear it all, but I do not understand any of it. Before it 
got white today I dreamed of a place filled with Barnabys, and I 
am sitting in a corner, my eyes shut, trying to remember it before 
it all drifts away. 
                             # 
     We keep doing the lessons each day, but I can tell that Sally 
is unhappy, and I wonder what I have done to upset her. 
                             # 
     This morning Sally opens my cage door and just hugs me for a 
long time. 
     "I have to talk to you, Barnaby," she says, and I see her 
eyes are making water again. 
     I touch the grapes that say, "Barnaby likes to talk." 
     "This is important," she says. "Tomorrow you will leave the 
lab." 
     "Will I go outside?" I ask. 
     "You will go very far away." 
     "To a zoo?" 
     "Farther." 
     Suddenly I remember God. 
     "Will I go to heaven?" I ask. 
     She smiles even as her eyes make more water. "Not quite that 
far," she says. "You are going to a place where there are no labs 
and no cages. You will be free, Barnaby." 
     "Are there other Barnabys there?" 
     "Yes," she says. "There are other Barnabys there." 
     "Doctor was wrong," I say. "There will be more fun for Sally 
and Barnaby." 
     "I cannot go with you," she says. 
     "Why?" 
     "I have to stay here. This is my home." 
     "If you are good, maybe God will let you out of your cage," I 
say. 
     She makes a funny sound and hugs me again. 
                             # 
     They put me in a smaller cage, one with no light in it. For 
two days I smell bad things. Most of my water spills, and there 
are loud noises that hurt my ears. Sometimes People talk, and once 
a man who is not Bud or Doctor gives me food and more water.  He 
does it through a little hole in the top of the cage. 
     I touch his hand to show him that I am not angry. He screams 
and pulls his hand away. 
     I keep signing, "Barnaby is lonely," but it is dark and there 
is no one to see. 
     I do not like my new world. 
                             # 
     On the third morning they move my crate, and then they move 
it again. Finally they lift it up and carry it, and when they set 
it down I can smell many things I have never smelled before. 
     They open the door, and I step out onto the grass. The sun is 
very bright, and I squint and look at People who are not Sally or 
Doctor or Bud. 
     "You're home, boy," says one of them. 
     I look around. The world is a much bigger place than the lab, 
and I am frightened. 
     "Go on, fella," says another. "Sniff around. Get used to the 
place." 
     I sniff around. I do not get used to the place. 
                             # 
     I spend many days in the world. I get to know all the trees 
and bushes, and the big fence around it. They feed me fruits and 
leaves and bark. I am not used to them, and for a while I am sick, 
but then I get better. 
     I hear many noises from beyond the world -- screams and 
growls and shrieks. I smell many strange animals. But I do not 
hear or smell any Barnabys. 
                             # 
     Then one day the People put me back in my crate, and I am 
alone for a long time, and then they open the crate, and I am no 
longer in the world, but in a place with so many trees that I 
almost cannot see the sky. 
     "Okay, fella," says a Person. "Off into the forest with you 
now." 
     He makes a motion with his hands, but it is a sign I do not 
recognize. 
     I sign back: "Barnaby is afraid." 
     The Person pets me on the head. It is the first time anyone 
has touched me since I left the lab. 
     "Have a good life," he says, "and make lots of little 
Barnabys." 
     Then he climbs into his cage, and it rolls away from me. I 
try to follow it, but it is much too fast, and soon I can no 
longer see it. 
     I look back at the forest and hear strange sounds, and a 
breeze brings me the sweet smell of fruit. 
     There is no one around to see me, but I sign "Barnaby is 
free" anyway. 
     Barnaby is free. 
     Barnaby is lonely. 
     Barnaby is frightened. 
                             # 
     I learn to find water, and to climb trees. I see little 
Barnabys with tails that chatter at me, but they cannot sign, and 
I see big kittens with spots, and they make terrible noises and I 
hide from them. 
     I wish I could hide in my cage, where I was always safe. 
                             # 
     Today when the black goes away I wake up and go to the water, 
and I find another Barnaby. 
     "Hello," I sign. "I am a Barnaby too." 
     The other Barnaby growls at me. 
     "Do you live in a lab?" I ask. "Where is your cage?" 
     The other Barnaby runs at me and starts biting me. I shriek 
and roll on the ground. 
     "What have I done?" I ask. 
     The other Barnaby runs at me again, and I screech and climb 
to the top of a tree. He sits at the bottom and stares at me all 
day until the black returns. It gets very cold, and then wet, and 
I shiver all night and wish Sally was here. 
                             # 
     In the morning the Barnaby is gone, and I climb down to the 
ground. I smell where he has been, and I follow his scent, because 
I do not know what else to do. Finally I come to a place with more 
Barnabys than I ever imagined there could be. Then I remember that 
Sally taught me counting, and I count. There are twenty-three of 
them. 
     One of them sees me and screams, and before I can make any 
signs all of them charge at me and I run away. They chase me for a 
long time, but finally they stop, and I am alone again. 
                             # 
     I am alone for many days. I do not go back to the Barnabys, 
because they would hurt me if they could. I do not know what I 
have done to make them mad, so I do not know how to stop doing it. 
     I have learned to smell the big kittens when they are still 
far away, and to climb the trees so they cannot catch me, and I 
have learned to hide from the dogs that laugh like Sally does 
when I make somersaults, but I am so lonely, and I miss talking, 
and I am already forgetting some of the signs Sally taught me. 
     Last night I dreamed about Fred and Wilma and Barney and 
Dino, and when I woke up my own eyes were making water. 
                             # 
     I hear sounds in the morning. Not sounds like the big kittens 
or the dogs make, but strange, clumsy sounds. I go to see what is 
making them. 
     In a little clearing I see four People -- two men and two 
women -- and they have brought little brown cages. The cages are 
not as nice as my old cage, because you cannot see in or out of 
them. 
     One of the men has made a fire, and they are sitting on 
chairs around it. I want to approach them, but I have learned my 
lesson with the Barnabys, and so I wait until one of the men sees 
me. 
     When he doesn't yell or chase me, I sign to him. 
     "I am Barnaby." 
     "What has it got in its hands?" asks one of the women. 
     "Nothing," says a man. 
     "Barnaby wants to be friends," I sign. 
     A woman puts something up in front of her face, and suddenly 
there is a big _pop!_ It is so bright that I can't see. I rub my 
eyes and walk forward. 
     "Don't let him get too close," says the other man. "No 
telling what kind of diseases he's carrying." 
     "Will you play with Barnaby?" I ask. 
     The first man picks up a rock and throws it at me. 
     "Shoo!" he yells. "Go away!" 
     He throws another rock, and I run back into the forest. 
                             # 
     When it is black out, and they sit around the fire, I sneak 
as close as I can get, and lay down and listen to the sounds of 
their voices, and pretend I am back in the lab. 
     In the morning they throw rocks at me until I go away. 
                             # 
     And then one day, after they throw the rocks at me and I go 
for water, I come back and find that they are gone. They were not 
very good friends, but they were the only ones I had. 
     What will I do now? 
                             # 
     Finally, after many days, I find a single Barnaby, and it is 
a female. She has terrible scars on her from other Barnabys, and 
when she sees me she bares her teeth and growls. I sit still and 
hope that she will not go away. 
     After a long time she comes closer to me. I am afraid to 
move, because I do not want to frighten her or make her mad. I 
ignore her and stare off into the trees. 
     Finally she reaches out and picks an insect off my shoulder 
and puts it into her mouth, and soon she is sitting beside me, 
eating the flowers and leaves that have fallen to the ground. 
     Finally, when I am sure she will not run away, I sign to her, 
"I am Barnaby." 
     She grabs at my hands as if I was playing with a fruit or an 
insect, then shows her teeth when she sees that I am not holding 
anything. 
     She is really not any smarter than Roger, but at least she 
does not run away from me. 
     I will call her Sally. 
                             # 
     Sally is afraid of the other Barnabys, so we live at the edge 
of the forest, where they hardly ever come. She touches me, and 
that is very nice, but I find that I miss talking and thinking 
even more. 
     Every day I try to teach her to sign, but she cannot learn. 
We have three baby Barnabys, one after each rainy season, but they 
are no smarter than Sally, and besides I have forgotten most of 
the signs. 
                             # 
     More and more People come to the forest in their brown cages. 
My family is afraid of them, but I love talking and listening and 
thinking more than anything. I always visit their camps at night, 
and listen to their voices in the darkness, and try to understand 
the words. I pretend I am back in the lab, though it is harder and 
harder to remember what the lab is like. 
     Each time there are new People I show myself and say "I am 
Barnaby", but none of them ever answers. When one finally does, I 
will know that he is God. 
     There were many things I wanted to ask him once, but I cannot 
remember most of them. I will tell him to be nice to Sally and the 
other two People at the lab -- I forget their names -- because 
what has happened to me is not their fault. 
     I will not ask him why he hated me so much that he made me 
special, or why People and Barnabys always chase me away. I will 
just say, "Please talk to Barnaby," and then I will ask if we can 
do a lesson. 
     Once, when I was a very bright fellow, there were many things 
I wanted to discuss with him. But now that I have left the world, 
that will be enough. 