(C) Copyright Andrew Brown 1987

ACT I

Scene 1

FIRST COMMIE MUTANT TRAITOR:

When shall we three meet again?

SECOND COMMIE MUTANT TRAITOR:

When the battle's done.

THIRD COMMIE NUTANT TRAITOR:

That will be before night cycle.

FIRST COMMIE MUTANT TRAITOR:

Where?

SECOND COMMIE MUTANT TRAITOR:

In HTH sector.

THIRD COMMIE MUTANT TRAITOR:

There to meet with Mac-B-ETH.

FIRST COMMIE MUTANT TRAITOR:

I come petbot.

SECOND COMMIE MUTANT TRAITOR:

My Sierra Club supplied treasonous lifeform from Outside calls.

THIRD COMMIE MUTANT TRAITOR:

At once!

ALL COMMIE MUTANT TRAITORS:

Good is Bad and Bad is Good: Let's drive our hoverbot through a restricted neighbourhood.

Scene 2

DUNCAN-U:

What bloody citizen is that? He looks like he is ready for debriefing.

MALCOLM-V:

This is the Troubleshooter team leader, who like a good and loyal citizen killed many commie mutant traitors just as they were about to treasonously kill me. There is a commendation in this for you citizen, tell Duncan-U what happened.

YELLOW CLEARANCE:

It was close. That evil, traitorous commie Macdonwald-B and his army of treasonously reprogrammed bots nearly took over the reactor complex, but then that good and loyal citizen Mac-B-ETH carved his way through a seething army of killer Combots and hacked the traitorous Macdonwald-B to bits with a Force Sword.

DUNCAN-U:

O valiant citizen, worthy clone!

YELLOW CLEARANCE:

But just then an entire new platoon of plasma generator armed warbots attacked.

DUNCAN-U:

Didn't this worry the citizens in charge, Mac-B and Banq-O.

YELLOW CLEARANCE:

No. They opened up on them with Tac-Nuke shells.

DUNCAN-U:

So well you words become you. You are a loyal citizen. Go get him Docbots.

(Exit YELLOW CLEARANCE, attended)

Who are these citizens?

MALCOLM-V:

The loyal CPU administrator ROSS-G.

ROSS-G:

Serve the computer!

DUNCAN-U:

Where have you come from?

ROSS-G:

From FIF sector. Where the commies are thick on the ground and that disloyal traitor Cawdor-I started a huge rebellion until Armed Forces came in and napalmed his stronghold.

DUNCAN-U:

Great happiness!

ROSS-G:

Now Swen-O, Cawdor-I's traitorous assistant is trying to bribe everyone he meets with ten thousand credits.

DUNCAN-U:

Right! Go and have Cawdor-I and Swen-O executed. Have Mac-B appointed chief administrator of FIF sector in Cawdor-I's place.

ROSS-G:

I�ll see it's done.

DUNCAN-U:

What Cawdor-I has treasonously thrown away Mac-B is rewarded with!

Scene 3

FIRST CORMMIE:

Where have you been Comrade?

SECOND COMMIE:

Killing loyal servants of The Computer.

THIRD COMMIE:

Comrades, where you?

FIRST COMMIE:

A citizen had Syntho Cruncheeyums in her lap and she was munching on them. "Give them to me!" I said. "Begone you evil commie mutant traitor!" she cried. So I'll get her!

SECOND COMMIE:

I'll help.

FIRST COMMIE:

Thank you.

THIRD COMMIE:

Me too.

FIRST COMMIE:

Good, when she least expects it, we'll sneak up on her, outnumbering her three to one and I'll inject her with this latest innovation I stole from R&D. One ten cc dose and she wont sleep for eighty one weekcycles. Look what I have.

SECOND COMMIE:

Show me, show me.

FIRST COMMIE:

Here I have a loyal troubleshooter's thumb, which I cut off him as he was going back to his quarters.

THIRD COMMIE:

A thumb! A thumb? Look Mac-B is coming!

ALL:

Let us use our treasonous mutant powers and get him!

MAC-B:

So foul and fair a daycycle I have not seen.

BANQ-O:

What are these citizens, they look like commie mutant traitors.

MAC-B:

Speak! I command you.

FIRST COMMIE:

Greetings Mac-B, we defer to you chief administrator of GMS sector.

SECOND COMMIE:

Greetings Mac-B, we defer to you, who will be appointed chief administrator of FIF sector.

THIRD COMMIE:

Greetings Mac-B, who shall soon be promoted to Ultraviolet clearance.

BANQ-O:

Good Mac-B, why are your eyes glowing green and your hair standing on end, seemingly in fear of these good prophesies? Even if prophesies are treason. So Commies, does your treasonous, secret society intelligence network have any news of my future?

FIRST COMMIE:

Greetings.

SECOND COMMIE:

Greetings.

THIRD COMMIE:

Greetings.

FIRST COMMIE:

Lower security clearance than Mac-B, yet better.

SECOND COMMIE:

Doesn't need as much attention from the happiness officer, yet much happier.

THIRD COMMIE:

Your next clone shall be a high programmer, though you shall not. So greetings to you both.

FIRST COMMIE:

Yes, greetings.

MAC-B:

Wait. Tell me more! By Sinel-B's death I know I am chief administrator of GMS sector, but not of FIF sector. The chief administrator of FIF sector lives, a loyal citizen, and to be a High Programmer, stands not within the prospect of belief. Where did you uncover this treasonous information and why did you stop us here in these blasted food vats. Speak, or I will turn you into a fine green paste with my Laser.

BANQ-O:

Where did they go?

MAC-B:

Into their component atoms.

BANQ-O:

Was that real, or did I have one too many Happy pills.

MAC-B:

Your next clone shall be a high programmer!

BANQ-O:

You shall be a High Programmer!

MAC-B:

And chief administrator of FIF sector!

BANQ-O, MAC-B:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Scene 4

BANQ-O:

Who�s there?

ROSS-G:

Congratulations citizen, The Computer has sent me to inform you that you have been appointed chief administrator of FIF sector, in recognition of your loyal service!

BANQ-O:

(aside) What? Can the evil lying commie mutant traitors speak the truth?

MAC-B:

But Cawdor-I lives,

ANGUS-Y:

He has been ordered to report to the FIF sector termination centre.

MAC-B:

(aside) Two chief administratorships! The greatest is behind.

(to ROSS-G & ANGUS-Y) Thank you for your trouble citizens.

(To BANQ-O) Don't you hope for a High Programmer in your clone family?

BANQ-O:

You may yet be a High Programmer yourself, besides chief administrator of two sectors. But take care; often to undermine the very roots of Alpha Complex the Commie Mutant Traitors win us with honest trifles and eventually fill our loyal minds with traitorous and evil communist propaganda. Citizens, may I speak with you?

MAC-B:

It's true! Maybe they weren't commies after all. Maybe it�s just Internal Security playing a little joke. But if it is good news why am I in danger of breaking uniform regulations with biological waste product? How do you quietly bump off a High Programmer?

BANQ-O:

Too many Happy pills Mac-B?

MAC-B:

NO! If chance will make me a High Programmer then chance can give me the promotion too.

BANQ-O:

New honours come upon him like INFRARED uniforms, and will not fit comfortably until they have been worn for some time.

MAC-B:

Ho Hum, take it as it comes.

BANQ-O:

Mac-B, we wait only for you.

MAC-B:

Right, let�s go and see Duncan-U. Psssst, Banq-O, we�ll talk later!

BANQ-O:

Fine.

MAC-B:

Drive on transbot. (exit)

Scene 4

DUNCAN-U:

Has Cawdor-I been executed yet? Are those troubleshooters back?

MALCOLM-V:

High programmer, none survived the debriefing. But I have interrogated one that saw him die; who did report that very frankly he confessed his treasons, implored the Computer's pardon, and set forth down the corridor as fast as he could. Nothing in his life became him like the leaving it; he died as one that had been studied in his death, to throw away the dearest thing he owned as if it were a careless trifle.

DUNCAN-U:

Vaporised him did they?

Congratulations Mac-B, for your services to the Computer and to the citizens of Alpha Complex it gives me great pleasure to award you a 1000 plasticred bonus, the chief administratorship of FIF sector and to promote you to Indigo clearance.

MAC-I:

The service and loyalty I owe in doing it pays itself. I live to serve the computer.

DUNCAN -U:

Well done BANQ-O.

BANQ-O:

Thanks.

DUNCAN-U:

0h. I have a little announcement to make: I'm making Malcolm-V Assistant Chief Supervisor to all the sectors under my control. Mac-I, I would be honoured if we could have a little celebration in your new quarters in IVS sector.

MAC-I:

No problem. I�ll go and get things ready.

DUNCAN-U:

Worthy citizen!

MAC-I:

(aside) Assistant Chief Supervisor! That is a step on which I will fall over, or else jump. For it's in my way. Food vat reclamation furnaces hide your fires, let not the loyalty officer see my black and deep desires! The eye wink at the hand; yet let that be, which the eye fears, when it is done to see.

DUNCAN-U:

That Mac-I is a truly loyal citizen. On to his quarters! (exit)

Scene 5

LAIDEE:

"Move all my things to my new quarters in IVS sector. Start ordering refreshments for eight." Yippee, he's been promoted! Now all he has to do is become a high programmer and I'll be the best off bot in the labour pool.

Great master!

MAC-I:

Duncan-U comes here tonight.

LAIDEE:

And when will he leave?

MAC-I:

That information is not available at your security clearance.

LAIDEE:

Have you seen this?

MAC-I:

No, what is it?

LAIDEE:

A clone from R&D left it here for you to test. It's the latest experimental device from R&D designed to penetrate Ultraviolet clearance armour.

MAC-I:

Hmmmmmmmmm.

LAIDEE:

Trust me.

Scene 6

DUNCAN-U:

Nice place. HPD & Mind Control did well.

BANQ-O:

You could land a Vulture craft in here. (enter LAIDEE)

DUNCAN-U:

Look the hostessbot.

LAIDEE:

At your service.

DUNCAN-U:

Where�s Mac-I?

LAIDEE:

Awaiting your Highprogrammerness in the next room.

DUNCAN-U:

Take me to him, it�s his daycycle.

Scene 7

MAC-I:

I have a nasty feeling that there's going to be a bit of a bloodbath. I suppose I really shouldnt, but still....

What's the latest?

LAIDEE:

He's nearly finished his third bowl of Yummeesauce and Algae. What are you doing here?

MAC-I:

Has he asked for me?

LAIDEE:

Well, sort of, he's had fifteen happy pills. He asked for the entire population of YOW sector too.

MAC-I:

I don�t- want to kill him.

LAIDEE:

Wimp.

MAC-I:

Shut-up!

LAIDEE:

Mac-I�s a scaredy bot! Yaaa, Yaaa, Yaaa, Yaaa.

MAC-I:

Shut up!

LAIDEE:

Commie pants, Commie pants !

MAC-I:

Shut-up! I order you to shut-up!

LAIDEE:

You're just scared you'll get executed for heinous treasons. Yaa Boo Sux!

MAC-I:

But what if we fail?

LAIDEE:

Then they'll turn us into small smelly stains. But we won't fail. When Duncan-U's asleep zap him with the experimental device.

MAC-I:

Then what?

LAIDEE:

Then chop up a few INFRAREDS and blame it on them.

ACT II

Scene 1

BANQ-O:

How goes the nightcycle citizen?

FLEANCE-R:

The lights have gone out, commies are in power services and my chronograph alarm is broken.

BANQ-O:

The commies broke in at 0:00 hours.

FLEANCE-R:

I take it that it is later then?

BANQ-O:

Yep, I can�t sleep, all that laser fire is keeping me awake. Shhhh! Give me that slugthrower.

Who�s there?

MAC-I:

A friend.

BANQ-O:

What, not in bed yet? Duncan-U's zonked out on happy pills and high potency relaxobeverage.

MAC-I:

I said we would talk later.

BANQ-O:

I had a Synthofun-induced hallucination of the three weird commie mutant traitors.

MAC-I:

I don�t think about them.

BANQ-O:

We shouldn't talk here.

MAC-I:

No.

BANQ-O:

Later then.

(exit BANQ-O and FLEANCE-R)

MAC-I:

Tell Laidee that when my pre sleepcycle drink is ready to beep me on my Comm.

Is this an experimental R&D High Programmer vaporiser that I see before me? A traitor induced hologram? Or possibly a result of too much attention from the happiness officer? You swim vividly in the way I was going, and such an instrument I was to use. I see thee still. And on thy breech and barrel yuckky bits and fragments of white cloth. There�s no such thing I need an anti-stress blue pill! Duncan, hear not my steps. While I wait here he lives. In deed not words an Ultaviolet clearance lives.

I go, and not to weep; for I'm invited by that infernal beep.

Scene 2

LAIDEE:

I have druged their sleepytime beverages.

MAC-I:

Who�s there?

LAIDEE:

It�s me.

MAC-I:

I've done it.

(looks at himself)

This is a sorry, slimy sight.

LAIDEE:

A foolish thought.

MAC-I:

One laughed in his sleep, and one cried �Treason!�

LAIDEE:

Don't think about it, else they'll send you for a few days in the HPD & Mind Control Rest, Relaxation and Reprogramming centre.

MAC-I:

One cried �Sleep no more, Mac-I has murdered sleep!�

LAIDEE:

You're having an anxiety attack. Go find a scrub bot and wash this filthy witness from you, what if a Hygiene officer should catch you like this? And why did you bring the remains of the experimental device from the place, it must lie there! Take it back, and smear the INFRAREDS with blood.

MAC-I:

They already are. But I will go no more. I'm afraid to think about what I have done.

LAIDEE:

Give me the wreckage you coward.

MAC-I:

Whence is that chiming? What have I become, when every noise scares me half into imploding. What blood drenched clothes have I? Will all the Scrub bots in Alpha Complex wash this blood clean from my clothes? No, these my clothes will rather the many treason investigations, making the Indigo one Infrared.

LAIDEE:

Here, my manipulatory appendages are of your colour, but I dare to wear a uniform so icky.

(chime)

I hear chiming, go to bed. A little �Mr Squeaky: Squeaky Clean and What A Sheen!� clears us of this deed.

(chime)

Listen, more chiming. Get to bed sir.

MAC-I:

To know my deed, it would be better to be Outside.

(chime)

Wake Duncan with your chiming! Fat chance.

Scene 3

PORTERBOT:

Here's a chiming indeed! If a bot were a PORTERBOT of an airlock to the Outside, he would wear out punching the lock code.

(chime)

Chime, Chime, Chime, Who�s there in the name of a commie. Here�s a food vat worker who was executed for expectations of plenty. Come in, Come in, there�s after meal hygiene kits enough.

Chime, chime, Who�s there in the mutant traitor's name? Look, here's a fast talker, who committed treasons enough for a sector, yet would talk the Computer into volunteering for termination. Come in fast talker.

(chime)

Chime, chime, chime. Who's there? Look, here's a PLC tailor come for stealing out of the stock room. Come in tailor, here you may be roasted by a troubleshooter.

(chime)

Chime, chime. Never quiet. What are you? This place is too cold for Outside, Tech services has let the heating go again. Though I�ve let all kinds pass through this door to be cut to bits by the automated anti-intruder laser system.

(chime)

Coming! Coming! No-one ever pays any attention to a Porterbot.

(PORTERBOT opens door, enter DUFF-B and LENNOX-B)

I think this bot is malfunctioning.

PORTERBOT:

Sir, I was recharging for twelve hours, and twelve hours at one hundred thirty thousand volts is a great provoker of three things.

DUFF-B:

And what are they?

PORTERBOT:

Charred circuitry, long repair times and blackouts across half the sector. Minor programming defects sir, it programs and it deprograms, it programs the desire, but it takes away the performance. Therefore, much current may be said to be an eraser of software, it magnetises it and it mars it, makes a bot stand up, and not stand up; in conclusion makes it walk into walls, lie down and buzz a lot, and giving the bot the lie, leaves him for dead.

DUFF-B:

I'm sure it's malfunctioning.

PORTERBOT:

That I am sir, may I take your utility belts or would you prefer take off clearance. Stand clear of the blue zone, radioactive waste is arriving in two minutes, ten centuries- all clones please report for melanin insertion-

DUFF-B:

Is your master about?

PORTERBOT:

Weet deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle deedle beep woot woot wooooooooooooooooo�

DUFF-B:

This stupid bot has awakened him.

LENNOX-B:

Good morningcycle.

MAC-I:

Good morningcycle citizens.

DUFF-B:

Is Duncan-U stirring?

MAC-I:

Not yet.

DUFF-B:

The Computer commanded me to bring him a message.

MAC-I:

I'll take you to him.

DUFF-B:

My apologies for waking you.

MAC-I:

No problem citizen, early rising is recommended by many happiness officers. This is his room.

DUFF-B:

I'll wake him. No, better still, I'll find an Infrared to wake him.

LENNOX-B:

What's Duncan-U doing today, do you know?

MAC-I:

That information is restricted at your security clearance citizen.

LENNOX-B:

The nightcycle has been eventful. Our quarters were blown up and horrible pain-filled cries filled the air, screams of death. Multi-sector combustion and confused events. Some said the ground shook.

MAC-I:

But apart from that it was quiet?

LENNOX-B:

Yes, quiet as the PLC stockrooms.

DUFF-B:

Treason! Treason! Treason!

MAC-I & LENNOX-B:

What's wrong?

DUFF-B:

It's High Programmer Duncan!

MAC-I:

What about him?

DUFF-B:

Go and see for yourselves.

Wake up! Wake up! Sound the alarm! Call Internal Security! Treason! Call the Hygiene Bot! Banq-O and Donalbain-I, Malcolm-V, wake up! Call security!

LAIDEE:

What's going on?

DUFF-B:

That information is restricted at your security clearance, bot.

Banq-O, High Programmer Duncan's been vaporised.

LAIDEE:

What, here?

BANQ-O:

What?

MAC-I:

Rather my clone saw this than I.

DONALBAIN-I:

What's up?

MAC-I:

About 60% of High Programmer Duncan.

DUFF-B:

He's been vaporised.

MALCOLM-V:

What commie mutant traitor did that?

LENNOX-B:

His two Infrared servants it seems. They were swimming in bits of High Programmer, and there was a broken weapon of some kind with them, which they failed to destroy to hide the evidence.

MAC-I:

So I executed them.

DUFF-B:

You did what?

MAC-I:

I executed them. They were traitors after all. You're not suggesting I should have let them live are you?

DUFF-B:

No, no, of course not.

LAIDEE:

Logic overload shutdown, wheeeeeeeeet�

DUFF-B:

Stupid bot.

MALCOLM-V:

Why do we hold our tongues, most of them will think we did it.

DONALBAIN-I:

Well at least they won't find the poison I slipped him now.

MALCOLM-V:

Yes, but if I didn't kill him and you didn't kill him then one of them killed him and that means we're next.

DONALBAIN-I:

I think I can get us assigned to temporary out-of-sector duty.

BANQ-O:

It'll all come out in the Internal Security investigation. When it does, may the honour be mine to execute the commie mutant traitor who committed this most foul of treasons.

MAC-I:

May we kill the traitor together.

ALL:

No, no it's my privilege, no, no me! Etc.

MAC-I:

Internal Security is here, let us meet with them.

MALCOLM-V:

I'll go on an extended inspection trip to POM sector.

DONALBAIN-I:

I think I feel an extended exploration mission to the Outside coming on. We'll be safer apart.

MALVCOLM-V:

Right, and while we're away perhaps we'll get lucky and they'll kill each other.

COMPUTER:

�I'm sorry, that information is not available at your security clearance. At your service.

ROSS-G:

Sorry. Look, all I'm trying to find out is why there are no lights on in the whole sector.

COMPUTER:

Having no illumination is not styandard procedure. This indicates a possible Commie Plot. Failure to obey standard procedure is treason.

ROSS-G:

Yes, but about the lights-

What now?

DUFF-B:

There aren't any lights.

ROSS-G:

Yes, I can see that. Have IntSec come up with anything?

DUFF-B:

I'm sorry, that information is not available at your security clearance.

ROSS-G:

What about the two Infrareds?

DUFF-B:

Fall clones. Set up by Malcolm-V and Donalbain-I. They're nowhere to be found.

ROSS-G:

Friend Computer?

COMPUTER:

At your service.

ROSS-G:

Can you tell me the location of either Malcolm-V or Donalbain-I?

COMPUTER:

I'm sorry, that information is not available at this time. At your service.

ROSS-G:

Then Mac-I is acting as Chief Supervisor?

DUFF-B:

Yes, and been promoted to Violet clearance.

ROSS-G:

Duncan's next clone?

DUFF-B:

High Programmer Duncan was Duncan-U-REX-6.

ROSS-G:

Where are you going now?

DUFF-B:

To FIF Sector, my office.

ROSS-G:

I'll to IVS sector to see, uh, Mac-V.

DUFF-B:

Good luck.

ROSS-G:

Thank you friend Computer.

COMPUTER:

At your service. Stay alert. Trust no-one. Keep your laser handy.

(Enter BANQ-O)

BANQ-O:

You have it all now, since you executed all those Commies in Power Services. High Programmer, FIF Sector, GMS Sector, all as the three Commie Mutant Traitors promised, and I think you're one too. If only I had proof.

(Enter High Programmer MAC-U, LAIDEE, LENNOX-B, ROSS-G and a horde of REDS and INFRAREDS)

MAC-U:

Here he is.

LAIDEE:

High Programmer Mac-U invites you to a celebratory meal in the IVS sector canteen.

BANQ-O:

I'm honoured.

MAC-U:

Have you an assignment this afternooncycle?

BANQ-O:

Yes, a simple courier mission.

MAC-U:

What sector?

BANQ-O:

Outside.

MAC-U:

Make sure you are at the celebration.

BANQ-O:

Yes High Programmer.

MAC-U:

If you see the traitorous Donalbain-I, execute him would you? Oh, is Fleance-R going with you?

BANQ-O:

Yes.

MAC-U:

Good luck citizen.

Right. You can all have the afternooncycle off, report to the HPD&MC recreation centre.

ALL:

Yes High Programmer, thank you High Programmer.

MAC-U:

You, yes, you. Are the two citizens I wished to see here yet?

RED LEVEL LACKEY:

Yes High Programmer.

MAC-U:

Well send them in.

It is time BANQ-O had a nasty accident. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

You, stand guard. Let no-one in.

Attention Troubleshooters! You have been chosen by The Computer to go on a mission to the Outside. Your mission is to execute two treasonous Troubleshooters. Their names are Banq-O-THN-4 and Fleance-R-BOY-1. Vaporise them, and Banq-O's next clone. What, you look unsure?

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

No, no its fine, really.

MAC-U:

Well, what are you waiting for, get down to PLC at once, and don't forget to drop by R&D.

SECOND TROUBLESHOOTER:

Yes High Programmer, for I am one whom the vile blows and buffets of experimental equipment have so incensed that I am still eager and ready to test more experimental equipment.

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

And I'm another, so weary with disasters, tugged with fortune that I would set my life on any chance to mend it or be rid of it.

MAC-U:

Wonderful! Off you go then.

(exit TROUBLESHOOTERS)

LAIDEE:

Stop moping.

MAC-U:

I knew it. I knew it. The killing never ends.

LAIDEE:

You're wimping again. Act happy. Happiness is mandatory.

MAC-U:

Look, see, I'm smiling.

LAIDEE:

It looks like you're lining up for mandatory dental inspection.

MAC-U:

I am full of doubts.

LAIDEE:

You're full of-

MAC-U:

It's Banq-O you see. He knows too much.

LAIDEE:

So kill him.

MAC-U:

That's restricted information.

LAIDEE:

So you are going to kill him.

MAC-U:

Of course I'm going to kill him.

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

But who cleared your requisition?

WARBOT:

Mac-U.

SECOND TROBLESHOOTER:

I think we should trust it.

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

No, I was going to argue with it.

(to WARBOT)

Then stand with us, it's nearly dusk and I've spotted them on the Infra-red multicorder scope.

WARBOT:

They are travelling in a crawler.

BANQ-O:

Turn the lights on you idiot.

SECOND TROUBLESHOOTER:

It's them, the voice pattern matches.

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

He's pulling over and stopping.

WARBOT:

From here the terrain is too rough and he must walk.

SECOND TROUBLESHOOTER:

A light! A light!

WARBOT:

It's them.

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

On three.

BANQ-O:

I think water will soon fall out of the roof.

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

One, Two, Three!

BANQ-O:

Commies! Treason! Ambush! Plasma Generators!

WARBOT:

Who did strike out the light?

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

I think I hit it with the frag grenade.

WARBOT:

I am receiving a transmission: there's but two down, no clone will be sent.

SECOND TROUBLE SHOOTER:

Then we have lost at least half of our credit bonus.

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

Well let�s go back and report what we've done.

Scene 4

MAC-U:

You know your own security clearances. Sit down.

ALL:

Thank you High Programmer.

MAC-U:

Feed Me!

LAIDEE:

Yes High Programmer.

MAC-U:

Back in a secondcycle.

(goes to door to meet FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER)

You are covered in ash and soot.

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

It's what's left of Banq-O and Fleance-R. Commie scum.

MAC-U:

He's executed?

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

High Programmer he's atomized.

MAC-U:

You shall be rewarded for your loyal service. His clone?

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

They sent no replacement. His clone lives.

MAC-U:

Good enough-you're sure he's done with.

FIRST TROUBLESHOOTER:

Yes High Programmer; safe in a crater, with twenty toxic gasses and a kilogram of lead. The least a death to nature.

MAC-U:

Commendations troubleshooter. I will have another mission for you later. Dismissed.

LAIDEE:

A toast!

MAC-U:

To the Computer!

LENNOX-B:

A chair for you High Programmer.

MAC-U:

Ah, would that Banq-O were here.

ROSS-G:

But he is here.

MAC-U:

Where?

LENNOX-B:

Here High Programmer.

MAC-U:

I can�t see him.

LENNOX-B:

Perhaps because you're sitting on him High Programmer.

MAC-U:

Which of you have done this?

LENN0X-B:

What?

MAC-U:

You can�t say I did it, don't try to pin your evil treasons on me.

ROSS-G:

Citizens rise, Mac-U is not well.

LAIDEE:

Sit, he is often like this when he mixes relaxobeverage and funpills.

MAC-U:

Purple hairy spiders!

LAIDEE:

Perhaps a Docbot with some SOBAUPP?

MAC-U:

There! Behold! Prithee! See! Look! Lo! How say you? Why! What!

LAIDEE:

What folly.

MAC-U:

I see him now!

LAIDEE:

He�s gone.

MAC-U:

No. He's there, I can definitely see him, yes, definitely. Well, possibly a bit fuzzy but it's definitely him. I think.

LAIDEE:

You are in error. That is a Bouncy Bubble Beverage dispenser.

MAC-U:

Well in that case, Give me some Bouncy Bubble beverage; fill full!

I drink to the loyalty of all citizens, and to absent clones- to Banq-O.

LENNOX-B:

He's back High Programmer.

MAC-U:

He has quit my sight. I shall speculate with my eyes and glare until I find him.

LAIDEE:

I'll call the Docbot.

MAC-U:

What citizen dares I dare. Approach any mutant commie in an armed flybot in the midst of a hurricane! Take on any polymorphing mutants and my firm neurowhip shall never tremble. Never shall I need my next clone. I shall dare the Outside with my force sword. Oh yes. Have you seen Banq-O?

BANQ-O:

Here High Programmer.

MAC-U:

Oh good.

Ahhhhh! Make it sit still.

LAIDEE:

You have broken the table, displaced food with most admired disorder

MAC-U:

Yeah?

ROSS-G:

What sights High programmer?

MAC-U:

Yeah!

LENNOX-B:

Good nightcycle.

MAC-U:

Yeah.

LAIDEE:

Good nightcycle to all.

MAC-U:

It will have blood. They say blood will have blood. Chairs have been moving. Drinks have spoken. Holograms and messages were brought by petbots and cushions and a big green autocar. The secrets of blood. What IS this stuff?

LAIDEE:

Sobaupp.

MAC-U:

Duff-B wasn't here?

LAIDEE:

You did invite him?

MAC-U:

Of course. But IntSec informs me he's a bit unorthadox.

LAIDEE:

It's time you had a sleepcycle.

MAC-U:

Yes then, I'll to bed and rid myself of this aching head.

Scene 5

FIRST COMMIE:

You look angry comrade.

COMMIE LEADER:

Shut up or I'll kill you all. Explain yourselves.

SECOND COMMIE:

Yes comrade-

COMMIE LEADER:

Shut up. Did you mind-zap Mac-B?

THIRD COMMIE:

Well it was done, he's now Mac-U and speading our evil treasons deep into the loyal citizenry.

ALL:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Scene 6

LENNOX-B:

Friend Computer.

COMPUTER:

At your service.

LENNOX-B:

I am worried about High Programmer Mac-U. I Think he's been mentally afflicted by evil commie mutant traitors.

COMPUTER:

Citizen, have you any proof of this?

LENNOX-B:

Well no, but I'm not the only one who thinks this.

COMPUTER:

Who else thinks this?

LENNOX-B:

Well I hear Duff-B's been talking to Siward-I, head of armed forces recently.

COMPUTER:

Thank you for your input citizen. It has been carefully noted. Every word. May I help you with anything else?

LENNOX-B:

Yes, about these lights...

ACT IV

Scene 1

FIRST COMMIE:

I'll rev up my treasonous mind powers and prepare the store of stolen and treasonous drugs.

SECOND COMMIE:

I'll set up the treasonous mind altering hologram machine.

THIRD COMMIE:

I�ll get the sandwiches.

COMMIE LEADER:

Well done. This is the best bit of commie mutant traitorism I've seen in a long time.

SECOND COMMIE:

By the treasonous mutant pricking of my thumbs I see that Mac-U comes.

MAC-U:

Hah! Evil Commies, what are you up to?

ALL COMMIES:

Evil commie mutant traitor stuff.

MAC-U:

Tell me or I will blow you to bits with my cone rifle.

FIRST COMMIE:

Sure.

SECOND COMMIE:

Fine.

THIRD COMMIE:

Okay.

FIRST COMMIE:

Do you want us to tell you, or our masters?

MAC-U:

Call 'em, Let me see 'em.

FIRST COMMIE:

Okay, hit the holograms, get him with the hypo.

FIRST HOLOGRAM:

Beware of Duff-B. He wants to kill you. He wants your job.

MAC-U:

But I knew that.

FIRST COMMIE:

Shhhhhhh!

SECOND HOLOGRAM:

Be bloody, bold and resolute, laugh to scorn the power of clones, for no clone shall ever harm you.

MAC-U:

Well that's good news anyway.

THIRD HOLOGRAM:

Be proud and take no care. Who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are. Mac-U shall never be defeated until a whole heap of tall things from outside shall come against him.

MAC-U:

What about Banq-O?

Drat.

FIRST COMMIE:

You have seen a true prophesy.

MAC-U:

They've gone.

LENNOX-B:

What now High Programmer?

MAC-U:

What do you want?

LENNOX-B:

Duff-B has been granted a requisition from armed forces for a 500 clone strike force.

MAC-U:

Has he?

LENNOX-B:

Yes and they're coming here.

MAC-U:

Right. Get a group of troubleshooters together and wipe out his entire office and admin complex. All his staff have been infected with his treasons so they must be executed.

Scene 2

SECRETARY:

Where is Duff-B?

ROSS-G:

I've no idea.

SECRETARY:

He's nuts. I'm afraid he'll make us all traitors.

ROSS-G:

He may have run through wisdom or fear.

SECRETARY:

Wisdom! To get half the sector executed in his place.

ROSS-G:

Duff-B is noble, wise, judicious and best knows which way to jump in a crisis. I dare not speak much further. But cruel are the times when we are traitors and do not know ourselves; when we hold rumours. I must go.

SECRETARY:

Cirr-R, Duff-B is dead what will we do now?.

EQUIPMENT GUY:

Run away.

SECRETARY:

Where?

EQUIPMENT GUY:

Outside?

SECRETARY:

What with worms, and flies?

EQUIPMENT GUY:

With whatever we can get.

SECRETARY:

No way!

EQUIPMENT GUY:

Duff-B is not dead.

SECRETARY:

He might as well be.

EQUIPMENT GUY:

What do you think will happen to you?

SECRETARY:

No idea, I'm going to speak to the computer after this workshift.

EQUIPMENT GUY:

Do you think he is a traitor?

EQUIPMENT GUY:

Of course!

But what if he's not a traitor?

SECRETARY:

But Mac-U says he is.

EQUIPMENT GUY:

I think Mac-U is a traitor.

SECRETARY:

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

RED LEVEL TROUBLESHOOTER:

HIL sector Blue troopers, healps of them, coming this way! Run for it!

SECRETARY:

But we haven�t done anything!

FIRST BLUE:

Where is Duff-B?

SECRETARY:

Iv'e no idea.

FIRST BLUE:

We have orders to execute him for treason.

EQUIPMENT GUY:

Equipment check!

FIRST BLUE:

Hey, come back here!

You Equipment Guy of treachery!

EQUIPMENT GUY:

(to SECRETARY)

He has killed me Muth-R:

Scene 3

MALCOLM~V:

You have news?

DUFF-B:

Things have gotten worse since you left.

MALCOLM-V:

I'm not surprised- say, who sent you, it wasn't Mac-U was it?

DUFF-B:

You think me a traitor? I am not treacherous.

MALCOLM-V:

But Mac-U is.

DUFF-B:

Bleed, bleed poor sectors; tyranny and treason abounds. Malcolm, I think with you at its head a plot to dispose of Mao-U could succeed.

MALCOLM-V:

I don�t know�

DUFF-B:

What do you mean?

MALCOLM-V:

We11, I'm not exactly full of sweetness and light you know.

DUFF-B:

But compared to Mac-U�

MALCOLM-V:

True, he's bloodthirsty, greedy, false, deceitful, unpredictable, malicious, socially maladjusted and he cheats at centrifugal bumblepuppy, but it is precisely those traits that make it so hard to pin anything on him. The problem is, you see, I�m just as bad.

DUFF-B:

Oh woe, woe!

MALCOLM-V:

Fooled you! Okay, you pass the test. You're not an agent of Mac-U's after all.

DUFF-B:

I told you that.

MALCOLM-V:

And I told you I was pretty tricky remember?

DUFF-B:

So you'll do it?

MALCOLM-V:

Of course!

Who's that approaching?

ROSS-G:

It's me, Ross-G.

DUFF-B:

Has anything changed?

ROSS-G:

No, the whole sector's still dark.

MALCOLM-V:

Has anything else gone wrong?

ROSS-G:

Well, yes.

DUFF-B:

Speak!

ROSS-G:

Um, there's some bad news for you.

DUFF-B:

Tell me!

ROSS-G:

Well, er, um, Mac-U sort of ordered a whole lot of, er, HIL sector Blues to, um, sort of, er, wipe out your entire staff.

DUFF-B:

What!

ROSS-G:

And your office building.

DUFF-B:

I don't beleive it.!

ROSS-G:

And your private quarters.

DUFF-B:

Everything?

ROSS-G:

Yep.

MALCOLM-V:

Dispute it like a clone.

DUFF-B:

I'll kill him! I'll tear him limb from limb! I'll burn out his eyes!

MALCOLM-V:

That's the spirit!

DUFF-B:

I'll cut him up into tiny, tiny bits. Twice. I'll blow his brains into the next sector.

MALCOLM-V:

Yeah. Good stuff! Let's get him! Get your weapons! Charge your guns! Look out Mac-U 'cause here we come!

ACT V

Scene 1

Enter a BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER and Mac-U's EQUIPMENT GUY.

BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER:

Right, what's the trouble?

EQUIPMENT GUY:

Mac-U's stupid Jack-O-bot's been acting up.

BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER:

How do you mean?

EQUIPMENT GUY:

Look now.

BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER:

How did the funny glow get around it?

EQUIPMENT GUY:

How should I know?

BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER:

Look how it's rubbing its manipulators.

EQUIPMENT GUY:

Happens all the time.

LAIDEE:

Yet here's some more gooey stuff.

BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER:

Verbal garbage, Start the multicorder,

LAIDEE:

Out datumned gore, Mr Squeaky! Mr Squeaky! Wheeeet! Run! IntSec cloth come!

I will obey the Humanists, Wheet!I will obey the Humanists,

BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER:

Hmmmmmmmm.

LAIDEE:

The sector overseer of FIF Sector had a staff where are they now?. What, will my chassis never come clean? Mr Squeaky!

BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER:

Wow! Keep that multicorder running!

LAIDEE:

What more High Programmer residue!

BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER:

This could be important.

EQUIPMENT GUY:

I'll say! If we can get this tape to Duff-B�

BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER:

Promotion!

LAIDEE:

To bed, to bed, there's chiming at the door, Get to bed sir.

EQUIPMENT GUY:

Yippee! Solid proof!

BOT MAINTENANCE OFFICER:

Were in!

Scene 2

MENTIETH-I:

Malcolm-V's troops are massing outside. They plan to bust in on Mac-U through the wall.

ANGUS-Y:

We'll meet them there then.

Scene 3

MAC-U:

What do you mean half the sector personnel have gone?

What do you want?

RED LEVEL:

Hundreds of them!

MAC-U:

Hundreds of what?

RED LEVEL:

Assault troops sir.

MAC-U:

Where?

RED LEVEL:

Coming this way.

MAC-U:

MY security scanners show nothing, get out fool.

Seton-G come here.

I'm sick and tired of all this garbage.

Seton-G!

SETON-G:

Yes, High Programmer?

MAC-U:

Get me my combat suit.

SETON-G:

It's not needed yet.

MAC-U:

Do as I say. What of Laidee?

TECH SERVICES CONSULTANT:

I�ve run a level 5 diagnostic and I couldn�t see anything specific.

MAC-U:

Well look again!

TECH SERVICES:

Well, you'll have to fill out the forms anyway.

MAC-U:

Forms! Just fix the bot!

TECH SERVICES:

But-

MAC-U:

Now! I want it ready in an hourcycle.

TECH SERVICES:

That's impossible, the laws of physics won't permit it.

MAC-U:

Throw physics to the petbots, I'll none of it!

Get me my armor!

TECH SERVICES:

(Aside) When I'm away from this sector and safe in my dorm, I'll never come back, even if he fills out the form.

Scene 4

MALCOLM-V:

Right, cut down a heap of those big tall things, load them onto the flybots and get ready to drop them on top of Mac-U once we blow the roof in.

ROSS-G:

It shall be done.

SIWARD-I:

Right. Let's kick some ass!

MALCOLM-T:

Set up the TacNuke charges.

Scene 5

MAC-U:

Take up your defensive positions. If three quarters of the troops hadn�t deserted we could wipe the floor with them.

What was that?

SETON-G:

I'll go and find out.

MAC-U:

I knew it would come to this, I knew it!

(SETON-G re-enters)

SETON-G:

Your bot, High Programmer, is destroyed.

MAC-U:

It should have broken down later, there would have been a time to get it fixed. Tomorrowcycle and tomorrowcycle and tomorrowcycle, creeps in meaninglessly daycycle after daycycle. To the last millimeter of recording tape. And all our yesterdaycycles have lit idiots to summary execution. 0ut, out brief flashlight. Life's but a walking shadow, a poor actor who walks and worries his hourcycle on the screen and then is executed far publicly spreading communist propaganda. It is a report, filed by an idiot, full of lies and edited recordings, signifying nothing.

What?

RED LEVEL:

Sir, they're attacking from Outside:

MAC-U:

What! Sound battle alert, reform positions! Come Duff-B, with all your clones, I'll make you die with horrible moans.

Scene 6

MALCOLM-V:

Right: Zero hourcycle. Attack!

SIWARD-I:

Blow the walls...check.

Signal the vulture craft�check.

Implement long range plasma generator bombardment�check.

Signal the flybots to stand by.

(various sounds of destruction)

Okay Duff-B, it's all yours.

DUFF-B:

Right, move out troop. Come on soldiers, come on troop, we�ll turn Mac-U into yukky gloop.

Scene 7

MAC-U:

I am trapped, I cannot run, but warbot like I must fight my way out.

YOUNG-G:

Traitor! With my Force Sword I�ll cut you into Synthopaste!

MAC-U:

Force swords I smile at, truncheons make me laugh harder, for I've got a powerfull atomising blaster.

DUIF-B:

Come back you coward!

SIWARD-I:

No trouble at all. Those big things squashed most of the resisting clones.

MALCOLM-V:

Yes, and the rest gave up.

SIWARD-I:

This way to Mac-U's quarters.

Scene 8

MAC-U:

I'll never give up, never!

DUFF-B:

Turn, commie, turn!

MAC-U:

Get back!

DUFF-B:

Die traitor!

MAC-U:

I warn you, I bear a charmed life, no c1one can harm me!

DUFF-B:

And where did you hear that?

MAC-U:

The commies told me!

DUFF-B:

You believe commies?

MAC-U:

Well...

DUFF-B:

Surrender and face termination like a loyal citizen.

MAC-U:

Never! Though the commies may have lied, though you crushed my men with organic things from Outside and cone rifle shells, yet I will fight on! You'd better run Duff-B, �cause you can�t catch me!

MALCOLM-V:

How many wounded?

SIWARD-I:

About fifty.

MALCOLM-V:

Duff-B is missing, and your aide, Young-G.

ROSS-G:

Young-G was vaporised.

SIWARD-I:

Sad. Activate his next clone.

ROSS-G:

Yes sir.

DUFF-B:

I got him, the traitor is executed, and I have his head for re-cycling! Serve the Computer!

ALL:

Serve the Computer!

(C) Copyright Andrew Brown 1987